Three Extremely Unbiased Ads The Canadiens Should Produce With Their New Partners, The Montreal Stars

It’s Friday! Friday is great. I’m not thinking on this beautiful Friday. I could talk about how the Habs could easily throw a concrete amount of money the Stars’ way, and I could talk about the issues with team-specific investment rather than league-wide investment, but IT’S FRIDAY AND I DON’T WANNA.

So instead, here are some ads I want to see:

ONE

[The camera pans in on PK Subban. He looks both beautiful and distressed.]
PK Subban: No! Wouldn’t you rather have another Subban jersey?
Tiny Child (Played By Time Traveling Abigail Breslin): JULIE CHU’S HAIR IS LUMINOUS AND HER EYES SPEAK SONNETS OF WOMEN’S HOCKEY. GIVE ME HER JERSEY THAT I MIGHT LIVE THE DREAM OF FAILING TO WIN GOLD AT FOUR CONSECUTIVE OLYMPICS, AND CRYING, AND BREAKING THE HEART OF STALWART AMERICANS EVERYWHERE.
PK Subban: Yikes. Are you sure you don’t want an Ouellette jersey? She’s an Olympian. A Canadian one.
Tiny Child: JULIE CHU OR I RIOT IN THE GRAND QUEBEC TRADITION.
PK Subban: [passes over a Julie Chu jersey]
A Sad Country Song: [plays over video of Team USA crying]

TWO*

Julie Chu, in a salmon-pink shirt with the collar popped, khaki shorts with anchors on them, and boat shoes: Connecticut is a great place.
Max Pacioretty, in a salmon-pink shirt with the collar popped, khaki shorts with anchors on them, and boat shoes: Agreed.
[they high-five as video of eagles soaring fades onto the screen]

*shoutout to @boldmatter on twitter for the entirety of this joke

THREE

Marie-Philip Poulin: I’m committing to the Montreal Stars for a season and the Canadiens are paying me an NHL salary. Additionally, out of respect for team veteran Julie Chu, I will be abstaining from the next Olympics.
[Flash forward to 2018. Julie Chu, gray streaking her hair, scores the gold-medal-winning goal. Her teammates surround her as she cries with joy. Pope Francis names her a saint. Every child born in the US that year is named Julie. Julie Chu becomes the next President. For fifty years, every planet discovered by NASA is named after her. Julie Chu statues are erected in front of every hockey arena in the country. THE PEOPLE REJOICE.]

THE END.