Let’s talk about a crucial issue facing our society today: WHAT EXCELLENT CELEBS WILL ATTEND NWHL GAMES??? Probably none of them in reality, but this is a blog post, so here’s my dream lineup.
THE NEW YORK RIVETERS: TAYLOR SWIFT
Taylor Swift lives in NYC, a fact well illustrated by her recent hit, “Welcome To New York.” Who better to sit at the sidelines, wearing red lipstick so bright it outshines the light of Satan himself, explaining the finer points of hockey to Karlie Kloss? Literally no one. I know NHL people think she’s a curse, but probably that’s just for men’s hockey. She is a leading misandrist of our time; just listen to Blank Space and tell me I’m wrong.
Also, her lyrics about women’s hockey would be wonderful. JUST IMAGINE: “Schelling sat in goal/The night that we grew cold/The Beauts were all shut out/And the cheers from the crowd/Hid/MY BROKEN HEAAAART”.
It’s practically destiny.
THE BUFFALO BEAUTS: RETTA
Retta already likes hockey, so that part of the battle is won. Retta is also legitimately famous and cool, and thus could withstand the OVERWHELMING hockey-bro lameness that is the Beauts’ name. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but lesser celebs would crumble under the weight of it, and instantly become scraggly-haired microbrew-sporting whiners who think ESPN should be all NHL, all the time. Retta will ELEVATE the Beauts. Also, Buffalo is right by Niagara and there’s booze there, right? And Retta enjoys partying with NHL players. Buffao should recruit Poulin and then she and Retta can go drinking, and probably world peace and the restoration of at least 3 extinct species will result. Foolproof!
THE CONNECTICUT WHALE: ELLEN PAGE
Ellen Page is a lez and you know I need one of my own rooting for the NWHL. Also, Ellen Page has SOLID indie appeal, and the Whale are already clearly angling for the kind of audience that loathes relocated franchises and Budweiser and any band that doesn’t have at least 2 acoustic EPs. She can bring ASkars, like she apparently did to LA Kings games. Basically all I know about ASkars is that he wasn’t allowed to party with the rest of the Generation Kill cast because he kept trying to fight people about soccer, which leads me to think he’d be GREAT at supporting hockey. Plus he’s Swedish and could probably start a riot because people thought he was Nick Lidstrom. It’s a package deal and it will instantly make the Whale the best Whale-colors-or-logo having team in the greater New England area.
THE BOSTON PRIDE: SYDNEY LEROUX
“Wow Elena,” you might be saying, “this is kind of a loaded choice, given that the only city the NWHL is putting a team in that competes with the CWHL is Boston, former home of Boston-Breaker-turned-Seattle-Reign player Sydney Leroux, who once made every single human being in Canada cry tears of bitter abandonment because she chose to play for the US Women’s National Team and win things and be among luminaries of our time like American Hero Abby Wambach, rather than play with several maple trees and Christine Sinclair on the CANWNT.”
To which I reply, are you accusing me of making jokes about Canada? I would never! Also, you forgot about Noted Head-Stomper Christine Tancredi.
But seriously, nationalism aside, Sydney Leroux used to play in Boston! And she’s spoken to Hilary Knight AT LEAST ONCE (MAYBE TWICE????) so that means she’s a huge hockey fan, right? RIGHT!
— Hilary Knight (@Hilary_Knight) July 17, 2014
Please root for the Pride, Sydney Leroux. Also please win the Women’s World Cup this year, thanks a million.